QUESTION

Dear Dr. Stephens,
When I got married 16 years ago, my husband and I used to meet for lunch a couple times a week. On weekends we used to see movies together and go out of town to visit friends. But the past few years have been different. When I get off work, I have to pick up the children and drop them off at other places like cheerleader practice and baseball practice. And my husband works overtime two or three days a week. Because we are so busy, my husband and I seldom do anything together. He doesn’t complain too much, but I think we need to do something to make our marriage fun again. We need some of the old “fireworks.” Can you offer us some suggestions to help us?

ANSWER

Your problem is not uncommon. The daily routine of working, helping the children with homework, going to little league ball games, and doing various other after school activities can limit the time couples have for romance. However, few couples seem to be willing to sit down and openly discuss it. But you seem to be different. You seem to realize things can be better. So there is definite hope for a romantic revival in your marriage. Consider the following thoughts to help rekindle the romantic fires in your marriage.

1. Talk More – A good conversation between lovers can be very romantic, especially when they openly share their thoughts about how much they love and appreciate one another. Positive communication in marriage can also help a couple get through tough times and stimulate hope for the future.

2. Make a Date – The hectic schedules that most couples keep make it almost impossible for them to spend quality time together on a regular basis. Yet, if a romantic evening is well thought out and scheduled in advance, special care can be taken to make sure the event is fun and memorable.

3. Turn Off Gadgets – Electronic communication tools can be a big asset when conducting business and staying in touch with important clients and family members. However, the same communication devices can quench the fire of a romantic evening. So a couple should turn off electronic gadgets when it’s time to enjoy time alone.

4. Get Out of Town – When things get kind of hectic at home, couples should consider booking a night or two at a hotel to relax and be alone for a while. By the way, there is no real magic in traveling hundreds of miles to reach “paradise.” A short drive to a hotel in a neighboring city may be sufficient, as long as the room is nice, comfortable, and offers easy access to restaurants and entertainment.

5. Write a Love Note – Love notes, cards in the mail, and notes on the bathroom mirror can inspire romance and excitement in marriage. A “coded message” in the classified section of the local newspaper may even be used as a reminder of intimate secrets that no one knows about, except the playful couple.

QUESTION

I was talking with my co-workers about one of the men from my church who has been begging me to go out with him. My friends say I would be wasting my time because I have a Masters degree and he is an electrician. But I want to keep an open mind because he is a nice guy and it looks like he makes decent money. He has a nice house and 5 or 6 guys who work for him. I don’t want to miss my blessing because, as they say, a good man is hard to find. What do you think?

ANSWER

Some college-educated women feel they are superior to men who have not attended college. Therefore, they reject men who are not college graduates while hoping to find a “better man” with a college degree. Unfortunately, a woman who thinks like this may spend her twenties and thirties waiting for prince charming, while “dissing” blue collar brothers on a regular basis. Consequently, she may reach her mid-forties, having become a lonely, childless, bitter woman, wondering why her prince charming has never come along. Yet, she may have rejected several marriage proposals from good men along the way, simply because they were not college graduates. And that’s too bad. Because her prejudice toward blue collar brothers may have robbed her of a loving relationship with a responsible man who could have provided a comfortable standard of living, without ever attending a single college class. So instead of listening to your coworkers, keep an open mind and learn more about the man who’s begging to take you out on a date. The knowledge you acquire will equip you to make an informed decision about the potential of the relationship.

QUESTION:

I have been dating a man for over 4 years who I love and I want to marry.  But every time I bring up the subject of marriage, he comes up with excuses why we can’t get married. He has a temper, so when he gets angry, I drop the subject. But I’m getting tired of waiting and  wondering if we will ever get married. I even moved in with him 2 years ago and I thought we would be married by now. What do you think?

ANSWER:

 If you want to get married but you are emotionally attached  to a man who keeps dodging questions about marriage, or procrastinating about setting a date for the wedding, don’t be stupid in love. Open your eyes and make an honest assessment of your love affair. And if your man is not genuine marriage material, admit it and give yourself permission to move on. Maybe then you can begin dating a man who shares your marriage aspirations. Otherwise, living in denial and procrastinating about ending the relationship may go on for months or even years, as you become more agitated and emotionally vulnerable. If you have been sexually active with your man, and treating him like a spouse already, your decisive action is even more critical, especially if you are already living together. Think about it: Few men will rush to marry a woman who is already treating him like a husband. Even if you walk away from your lover with a broken heart, it may be far better than becoming depressed or fighting suicidal thoughts a year or two down the road if your man decides to marry another woman instead of you. If you choose to walk away on your own terms, maybe you can leave before the love affair deteriorates into disrespectful bantering or abusive conflicts. A drastic, proactive, step like walking away may be necessary to catapult you into a new healthy relationship with a man who will reciprocate your love, commitment, and marriage aspirations. So make an honest assessment of your relationship and make a decision that will help you maintain your self-respect, emotional stability, and peace of mind.

Question

Dear Dr. Stephens,
Can you offer me some insight to help my marriage last for more than two or three years?

Answer

I think one of the major keys to the survival of any marriage is for the couple to understand that the relationship must go through various developmental stages to create a lifetime of blessings. Unfortunately, many people fail to realize this and dissolve their marriage in divorce court before they really begin to enjoy some of the lifetime benefits of a solid biblical marriage. Let me explain what I mean.

I believe the first stage of marriage is an emotional carryover from the dating years. The newlyweds are usually filled with romantic ideas about everything they experience. They think they should be the center of one another’s world and the central focus of everything that occurs in their mate’s life. Some women expect to receive flowers two or three times a week, while some men get married expecting their new wife to satisfy all of their sexual fantasies. However, many couples fail to recognize that the erotic love of newlyweds should grow into a deeper kind of love that seeks to benefit their spouse, instead of their own selfish desires. Notable problems in many marriages usually occur at the onset of this transition period. I like to call this transition period the second stage of marriage.

To survive the second developmental stage in marriage, I believe couples must be willing to make a sincere effort to understand one another’s philosophy about life. The wife may need to work at understanding why her husband finds it difficult to justify a weekly florist bill (to satisfy her romantic ideas about receiving flowers two or three times a week). On the other hand, the husband may need to develop more realistic expectations in the bedroom. He may need to cast aside some of his fantasies and modify a few of his expectations, based upon the personal temperament and desires of his wife. This, however, does not mean his wife has a right to deny him sexual pleasure for an extended period of time (1 Cor 7:5 KJV). I believe the couple who can successfully chart the rocky waters of the second developmental stage of marriage will be on the road to enjoying the truly rewarding experiences only found in the third developmental stage in marriage.

I believe the third developmental stage represents the time in marriage when a couple has begun to truly appreciate the personal differences in one another; things that they may have misunderstood and criticized during the second developmental stage in their marriage. Stage three couples have typically learned to ignore, and even laugh about some of the hang-ups and annoying habits their spouse has. Yet, their love for one another has increased and grown deeper. They have seen their marriage go through some of the storms of life and now realize how blessed they are to have a marriage partner who has stuck with them through the best of times and the worst of times.

QUESTION:

Dear Dr. Stephens,
My husband says I remember every bad thing he ever did. He said I won’t let him forget anything he has messed up on since we got married. He said I won’t let him forget the times he said things or did things that hurt my feelings. I told him that I have forgiven him, but he said he doubts it because I still talk about stuff that happened. I told him its nothing wrong with talking about things in the past sometimes because the things really did happen, and it’s not like I’m telling a lie on him. How do you think we should settle this?      Sincerely, Teresa G.

ANSWER

Dear Teresa G.,
I think your husband has a point. No one wants to be constantly reminded of their past failures, shortcomings, and mistakes. Not even you.
Hypothetically speaking, imagine how you would feel if your husband constantly talked about the dinner you burned… or maybe the money you lost… or maybe the time you wrecked the car. You see, people don’t like to be reminded of the times they failed to measure up to their own standards or the expectations of significant others. Now, if you say you have forgiven your husband, isn’t it time to start acting like it? Remember, if you have forgiven your husband, focus on the future. Life is too short to waste time focusing on unpleasant situations from the past. If you have not forgiven your husband yet, the following ideas may help you begin the process:

• Resist the temptation to dwell on negative thoughts about the past.
• Resist the temptation to talk about the times your husband let you down.
• Resist the temptation to discuss your husband’s past failures with others.
• Resist the temptation to tell your husband, “I told you so.”
• Affirm your husband instead of criticizing him. Let him know when he does something right.
• Pray for your husband. Ask God to inspire him with the wisdom to avoid deception and make good decisions.
• Resist the temptation to let your husband’s past failures create disharmony in your relationship today.

Verses to Remember:
(Phil 3:13 NIV) Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
(Rom 12:18 NIV) If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
(James 4:7 KJV) Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
(Mark 11:25 KJV) And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

QUESTION:

My wife has a good job and can afford to buy anything she needs and a lot of other things she really doesn’t need.  She buys a new car every couple of years.  She owns expensive jewelry.  And she has a closet full of nice clothes.  However, she still complains about me not spending any money on her.  Can you tell me why this is such a big deal since she can afford to buy anything she expects me to buy for her?                                     

ANSWER:

First of all, count your blessings.  I usually receive letters from couples who complain about not having enough money to go around.  It sounds like the Lord has blessed you and your wife with enough financial resources to pay your bills, and enough surplus to enjoy some of the finer things in life, also.

As far as what you say your wife is complaining about, let me put it to you this way. The Bible teaches us in Proverbs 18:22, that a wife is valuable.  Therefore, I believe a man who values his wife should not hesitate when it comes to doing things to demonstrate his love and appreciation for her. I’m not talking about buying her extravagant things that will bury the family in debt. That would be unwise. But I do believe a man can begin with something as simple as buying his wife’s favorite ice cream when he goes to the store, instead of only buying the kind he likes to eat. Don’t ever forget, many times the thoughtfulness of the giver is much more important than the retail cost of the gift.

In your particular case, it sounds like your wife already owns some of the luxuries that many women crave for. But I believe you can still make her feel very special if you voluntarily spend some of your own money on her. Maybe buy her a nice sweater, or maybe a pair of shoes, or even a scarf that matches one of her favorite outfits.  Unexpected gifts like these may mean more to her than many of the expensive items she already owns; simply because it will be a gift from you….just because she was on your mind. 

Verses to Remember:

(Prov 18:22 KJV)  Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

(Luke 6:38 KJV)  Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.