QUESTION:

 I’ve been married fifteen years to a man I love a lot, but we don’t talk much now. He works a lot and so do I. Sometimes we don’t kiss each other for weeks. Sometimes we don’t even say good morning to each other for days. Sometimes it seems like we’re just friends instead of husband and wife. I guess I really feel unappreciated and neglected since he treats me more like a sister than his wife. I don’t want a divorce because I still love my husband, but I do want things to get better. What do you think we ought to do?  

ANSWER

 One of the tragic side effects of some long-term relationships is what has been called the sin of familiarity. This usually occurs after a couple has been married for a while and has become so familiar with one another that they stop doing many things that sparked fire in their relationship in the early years. Consequently, the husband or the wife, and sometimes both, begin to feel unappreciated and taken for granted. When this occurs, a marriage can quickly deteriorate and eventually end in divorce. To help you and your husband get back on track, consider some of the following ideas:

• Communicate your feelings. Some marriages fall apart because couples don’t talk about their feelings. If a woman feels like her husband doesn’t love her anymore, she needs to find an appropriate time to say so. The same holds true for the man if he feels neglected by his wife. He needs to select an appropriate time and place to express his concerns as well. Contrary to what some people may think, this kind of discussion can take place without verbally attacking one another.

• Show mutual respect. Husbands and wives should show one another the same respect that they show others and expect from others. The polite, sensible etiquette most of us were taught as children should also be practiced between marriage partners. Simply put, being married does not justify rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful behavior. Even when emotionally charged topics are discussed, workable solutions can be achieved if mutual respect is a foundational principle in the relationship.

• Flirt with your spouse. Romance is good for marriage and a sure way to ignite the romantic fires of marriage is playfully flirting with your spouse. This should be easy for couples who are in love, especially if they have been married for a while. Sometimes this can be done by the wink of an eye, a gentle touch of the hand, or even a personal note secretly passed in a crowd. By the way, to protect one’s identity, a business card or slip of paper with names on it should never be used.

• Go for a walk. More than a few women like to hold hands and stroll through the park. If your spouse likes doing this, take time to go for a walk with her. This is a cheap date that may help rekindle the romantic fires of your marriage. It’s all about the special time you spend together.

• Send flowers. Nice flower arrangements have been winning the hearts of women for years. It’s even acceptable for a woman to send her man a bouquet of flowers or a small plant. So don’t forget to occasionally send flowers or a small plant to let your spouse know you still think he or she is special.

QUESTION

 I am very angry with my husband because he cheated on me. When I talked with him about cheating he denied it and said it was all in my mind. But he was shocked when I let him see the pictures I took with my cell phone when I saw him at the hotel with his girlfriend. Then he cried for awhile and said he was sorry. But I am still very, very, angry and I don’t know what to do next. Should I leave him or not? Can you give me some advice on what I should do next?

ANSWER

 Any time adultery occurs in marriage, I recommend counseling for the faithful spouse and the unfaithful spouse. Therefore I believe counseling will help you and your husband survive adultery. A good marriage counselor can introduce some relationship exercises that will help in rebuilding the trust needed to save your marriage. In addition, a remorseful attitude by your husband and your willingness to forgive him is essential to rebuilding your marriage. If your husband is remorseful enough to end his adulterous affair and seek marital counseling with you, God can heal your marriage and make it better than it’s ever been (if you’re willing to work and pray). Just exercise patience as your family goes through the healing and restoration process. And don’t let it change who you are. Keep your head up and carry yourself with dignity and respect as your marriage goes through the healing process.

QUESTION

 My coworker and I were talking about what we would do if we thought our spouse was cheating. I told him I would just pack up and leave if I thought my husband was having sex with another woman. My coworker said he would make sure his wife was really cheating before he left because things are not always what they seem. He said one of his friends never cheated on his wife but she left him because he got a phone call from a woman his wife did not know. After my coworker told me about his friend, I agreed that it’s important to be sure before walking out. But how do you talk to your spouse about cheating since most people will just lie about it?  

ANSWER

If your spouse displays behavior that could threaten the well-being of your marriage, you need to talk about it, especially if you think your spouse has committed adultery. But when you confront your spouse, use wisdom and choose the right place and time to do it. Under no circumstances should you confront your spouse in the presence of their suspected lover. Doing this could create an embarrassing public scene you’ll regret later.

After you have selected the appropriate place to confront your spouse about the suspicious relationship, the conversation will definitely be more productive if you present specific facts, dates, times, places, and particular events that support what you believe. Don’t use unreliable information like hearsay and gossip. If your spouse is prone to violent or abusive behavior, it may be wise to only confront them in the presence of a counselor or therapist in case help is needed to defuse an emotional conflict. If you cannot afford therapy sessions to confront your spouse, consider using a semi-private environment like a back table in a restaurant so that restaurant patrons can assist you if your spouse tries to intimidate or attack you. After presenting all of the information you believe to be true, be quiet and give your spouse an opportunity to respond to your suspicions. He or she deserves this opportunity to respond to your accusations and to present the other side of the story. As tempting as it may become, don’t interrupt your spouse. Emotional interruptions by you will only exacerbate the situation.

QUESTION

 I was taught that a man is supposed to take care of his family. I heard it in church and I heard it from older women when I was growing up. But my husband says times have changed and I’m supposed to help him pay the bills. Please help me understand this because I don’t want to lose my husband. What do you think?

ANSWER

There was a time when a man with an average-paying job could take pretty good care of his family while his wife stayed home with their kids. But economic times have changed over the past two decades, and a stay-at-home mother is a rarity these days. Shifting small kids off to day-care centers and babysitters each morning has become the norm instead of the exception. Although individual earnings have also increased over the past twenty years, in most cases two incomes are still needed to enjoy a decent lifestyle and a few occasional luxuries. However, some women still expect their husbands to cover all of the household expenses, while they spend the money they earn on shoes, clothes, and handbags. Many of these women are intelligent career women with high-paying jobs, yet their irresponsible shopping habits suggest they are clueless when it comes to the need for financial teamwork in marriage. So if you want to achieve financial success in your marriage, work with your husband and make an equitable financial contribution to the household. Don’t walk around on a spiritual high believing that the Bible says your husband is “supposed to take care of you.” This erroneous sense of entitlement has ruined more than a few marriages. If you believe the Bible says your husband is obligated to cover all of the household expenses, dismiss the thought. You won’t find a Bible verse that teaches that. Sure you can find a Bible verse or two that emphasizes a man’s responsibility to lead his household, but the Bible teaches that God created the woman to be a helper to the man instead of the other way around. Don’t become offended and interpret this comment as chauvinistic; that is not my intention. But it is imperative that you and your husband work as a team if you want your family to achieve any measurable degree of financial success. Your husband, your children, and you deserve the best financial position possible. However, to achieve financial harmony in your marriage, your husband should also respect and value your partnership with him. Just as you should avoid spending money on shoes and clothes, your husband must also resist the temptation to spend money on cars and electronic gadgets. Otherwise, your financial partnership will be fractured and will eventually collapse as conflicts about money become a regular occurrence.

Men and women who appear vulnerable are routinely exploited by predators that enjoy manipulating those they perceive as weak or needy. So if you’re having marriage problems, be cautious when venting the frustration you feel toward your spouse, especially with people of the opposite sex. Discussing the intimate details about your marriage problems could make you appear vulnerable to the wrong person. Potential predators may include co-workers and romantic interests from your past. You should be particularly cautious when discussing your marital woes with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Although you may feel comfortable talking with your ex because of the emotional bond you share, discussing your marital problems with this person may set you up for unwanted sexual advances or tempt you to invite seduction.

This could be easy to do because perceived “empathy” expressed by your ex could make them appear more compatible, charming, and appealing than your spouse. You should also guard against religious predators. They usually approach their targets at church or at some other religious event. They are sometimes hard to identify, because they know enough Bible verses and religious rhetoric to make unsuspecting, victims drop their guard. Even though these predators may be willing to offer a listening ear when you feel like talking, the information you disclose may be used to manipulate you into believing they are the ideal person to rescue you from your marital woes. However, their ultimate goal is to befriend you long enough to get you in bed or to exploit your marital frustration in some other way. Afterward, they will move on to find other victims. By the way, a religious predator may also masquerade as the perfect prayer partner to help you pray for your “heathen” spouse. Don’t fall for this trap. Prayer creates intimacy; if you become emotionally intimate with a religious predator, chances are you will eventually become sexually involved with them and your sexual indiscretion will exasperate your marital problems. Your marriage problems may be tough right now because your spouse refuses to attend church with you, but if you commit adultery, your hypocritical behavior may cause your spouse to divorce you and the emotional letdown in the aftermath may cause him or her to never serve God. Predatory church leaders who prey on men and women who are struggling with marriage problems can be a little easier to identify. They may express an inordinate interest in you after hearing about your marriage problems. They may also try to foster intimacy by offering a listening ear when you want to vent your anger about your marital frustrations. But instead of focusing on solutions to help improve your marriage, they may discredit your spouse while heaping compliments upon you. Their compliments may include sexual innuendoes and suggestions that you deserve a better mate than you currently have. In contrast, church leaders who are genuinely interested in helping you overcome your marriage problems will devise a marriage enrichment plan that includes you and your spouse. They will also establish boundaries that discourage misinterpretation of their good deeds. In addition, they implement and honor rules of confidentiality that should make it easier for you and your spouse to openly discuss issues that may have triggered your spouse’s reluctance to accept the Lord or attend church. Thank God for church leaders who are trained to minister to believers experiencing marriage problems. These leaders can help reduce rising divorce rates and decrease domestic violence and other marriage problems.

QUESTION

My husband was laid off from his job about a year ago.  Before this happened, we used
to have fun going out to dinner with friends and co workers. However, after he lost his job, he stopped wanting to do anything.  He just sits in the house, sleeps, and watches TV. He won’t even talk to his friends when they call him on the phone. I don’t know what’s happening to him. Can you help me understand what’s wrong with him before it destroys our marriage?  

ANSWER

Because so many people in our society see their job as a status symbol, social interaction can be very difficult for a man without a job. He may even believe that any invitations he receives to attend social events are offered out of courtesy, instead of a genuine desire for his attendance. This could be the case with your husband, especially since you said he was much more sociable before he lost his job. To help your husband get through this crisis, seek opportunities to affirm him.  If he succeeded against seemingly insurmountable odds in the past, this may be the ideal time to remind him about it. Let your husband know that you still have confidence in him and in his ability to succeed at things he commits himself to.  Words of affirmation like these can help boost your husband’s confidence and rekindle his desire to succeed again. As he begins to focus his thoughts on past victories instead of past failures, he may be inspired to optimistically forge ahead and take control of his life and career again.

Verses to Remember

(Proverbs 25:11) Aword fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

(Proverbs 18:21)
Death and life are in the power of the tongue…

I believe one of the major keys to the survival of any marriage is for the couple to understand that the relationship must go through various developmental stages to create a lifetime of blessings. I call these stages the three “R”s. Unfortunately, many people fail to realize this and dissolve their marriage in divorce court before they really begin to enjoy some of the lifetime benefits of a solid biblical marriage. Let me explain what I mean by the three “R”s.

1. Romance

I believe the first stage of marriage is an emotional
carryover from the dating years—I call it the Romance Stage. At this stage,
newlyweds are usually filled with romantic ideas about everything they
experience. They think they should be the center of one another’s world and the
central focus of everything that occurs in their mate’s life. Some women expect
to receive flowers two or three times a week, while some men get married
expecting their new wife to satisfy all of their sexual fantasies. However,
many couples fail to recognize that the erotic love of newlyweds should grow
into a deeper kind of love that seeks to benefit their spouse, instead of their
own selfish desires. Notable problems in many marriages usually occur at the
onset of this transition period. I call this transition period the second stage
of marriage.

2. Reality

I call the second stage of development for married couples
the Reality Stage. To survive the second developmental stage in marriage, I
believe couples must be willing to make a sincere effort to understand one
another’s philosophy about life. The wife may need to work at understanding why
her husband finds it difficult to justify a weekly florist bill to satisfy her
romantic ideas about receiving flowers two or three times a week. On the other
hand, the husband may need to develop more realistic expectations in the
bedroom. He may need to cast aside some of his fantasies and modify a few of
his expectations based upon the personal temperament and desires of his wife.
But this does not mean she has a right to deny him sexual pleasure for an
extended period of time (1 Cor. 7:5 KJV). I believe the couple who can
successfully chart the rocky waters of the second developmental stage of
marriage will be on the road to enjoying the truly rewarding experiences only
found in the third developmental stage in marriage.

 3. Relax

The third stage of development in marriage is called the
Relax Stage. I believe the third developmental stage represents the time in
marriage when a couple has begun to truly appreciate the personal differences
in one another, things that they may have misunderstood and criticized during
the second developmental stage in their marriage. Stage three couples have
typically learned to ignore, and even laugh about, some of their spouse’s
hang-ups and weird habits. Yet, their love for one another has increased and
grown deeper. They have seen their marriage go through some of the storms of
life and now realize how blessed they are to have a marriage partner who has
stuck with them through the best of times and the worst of times. Now that I
have explained the three “R”s, you can apply them to your marriage.

QUESTION

My ex-husband is about to get remarried. I’m a little worried because I heard he is marrying a woman who is very jealous. Her jealously wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t have 2 children with my ex-husband. Since we got divorced, I talk to my ex-husband 3 or 4 times a week to let him know what going on with our children, and I don’t know how his new wife may feel about this. Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with the new wife?

ANSWER

If your ex-husband marries a jealous woman, you can’t change her behavior. That’s her issue and she will need to work through her jealously when she is ready to face it. However, you can try to adopt none-threatening behavior that should reduce the likelihood of a conflict with your ex-husband’s new wife. So consider the following suggestions to help you maintain a cordial relationship with your ex-husband and his new wife.

Suggestion 1: Show Respect for the New Wife – Demonstrating respect for your ex-husband’s new wife may be instrumental in safeguarding the financial support and relational support your children need and deserve from their father. So be kind and cordial when you interact with your ex-husband’s new wife. If she fails to reciprocate, discuss it with your ex-husband. He should mediate and help his new wife understand the need for open communication and mutual respect to ensure your children receive the care and attention they need.

Suggestion 2: Watch the Time of Your Phone Calls – Unless absolutely necessary, don’t call your ex-husband on his cell phone or home phone early in the morning or late at night. Phone calls like this could trigger a jealous reaction from his new wife if she suspects you and your ex-husband are having a secret love affair.

Suggestion 3: Don’t Take the Bait – If the new wife sounds agitated or makes an insulting comment when you call your ex-husband at home, don’t take the bait. Getting into an argument with her will not help your children. Just leave a message and move on. If you don’t hear from your ex-husband after a reasonable amount of time, call him again.

Suggestion 4: Ask for Help – If you cannot reach your ex-husband on his cell phone and you feel hindered by his new wife when you call his home phone, make a phone call to your ex-husband’s parents for help in reaching him. When you call the grandparents, be sure to explain the issue with your children and why you feel it’s important for their father to be notified.

Suggestion 5: Let Him Deal with Her – If you believe your ex-husband’s new wife is purposely blocking communication, let him know what you believe and why you feel that way. Be sure to provide examples to support your position because the new wife will probably deny that she has intentionally blocked your communication efforts. Once it’s out in the open, your ex-husband needs to discuss the issue with his new wife and listen to her side of the story. Then he should emphasize how important it is to keep communication channels open to ensure the well-being of your children.

QUESTION

I got married 6 years ago and my husband is good to me and our children. But my mother is stressing me out. She calls me on the phone every day to offer advice about what I should do about everything. She tells me what I should buy for my children, what to cook, what my husband should wear to church, and what school my children should attend.  I appreciate her
concern, but this is my house, my children, and my husband, and I want to do things my way. My husband said I should ignore her and handle my own business. But it’s my mother and the Bible says children are supposed to obey their parents. Help me before I mess up my marriage. Should I obey my mother?

ANSWER

According to Ephesians 6:1 in the New Testament, children should obey their  parents. They should also honor their parents. However, after reaching adulthood you are not required to OBEY your mother. So when your mother offers advice, be kind and show her the respect she deserves as your mother.  However, you should not feel morally obligated to obey her. Instead, the advice your mother offers should be factored in with other information gathered by you and your husband. And after sorting through the information you received from various sources, you and your husband should make a decision that best suits your household. So, even though the Bible teaches us to obey our parents, we are not required to obey them after we become adults.

Bible Verses to Remember:

(Eph 6:2 KJV)  Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;

(1 Cor 13:11 KJV)  When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

QUESTION

Dear Dr. Stephens,
When I got married 16 years ago, my husband and I used to meet for lunch a couple times a week. On weekends we used to see movies together and go out of town to visit friends. But the past few years have been different. When I get off work, I have to pick up the children and drop them off at other places like cheerleader practice and baseball practice. And my husband works overtime two or three days a week. Because we are so busy, my husband and I seldom do anything together. He doesn’t complain too much, but I think we need to do something to make our marriage fun again. We need some of the old “fireworks.” Can you offer us some suggestions to help us?

ANSWER

Your problem is not uncommon. The daily routine of working, helping the children with homework, going to little league ball games, and doing various other after school activities can limit the time couples have for romance. However, few couples seem to be willing to sit down and openly discuss it. But you seem to be different. You seem to realize things can be better. So there is definite hope for a romantic revival in your marriage. Consider the following thoughts to help rekindle the romantic fires in your marriage.

1. Talk More – A good conversation between lovers can be very romantic, especially when they openly share their thoughts about how much they love and appreciate one another. Positive communication in marriage can also help a couple get through tough times and stimulate hope for the future.

2. Make a Date – The hectic schedules that most couples keep make it almost impossible for them to spend quality time together on a regular basis. Yet, if a romantic evening is well thought out and scheduled in advance, special care can be taken to make sure the event is fun and memorable.

3. Turn Off Gadgets – Electronic communication tools can be a big asset when conducting business and staying in touch with important clients and family members. However, the same communication devices can quench the fire of a romantic evening. So a couple should turn off electronic gadgets when it’s time to enjoy time alone.

4. Get Out of Town – When things get kind of hectic at home, couples should consider booking a night or two at a hotel to relax and be alone for a while. By the way, there is no real magic in traveling hundreds of miles to reach “paradise.” A short drive to a hotel in a neighboring city may be sufficient, as long as the room is nice, comfortable, and offers easy access to restaurants and entertainment.

5. Write a Love Note – Love notes, cards in the mail, and notes on the bathroom mirror can inspire romance and excitement in marriage. A “coded message” in the classified section of the local newspaper may even be used as a reminder of intimate secrets that no one knows about, except the playful couple.